Whatever Providence

Who Ya Gonna Call?

2008-05-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

Whatever Providence announces plans for its "Hometown Security" initiative. Hometown security is a revolutionary new plan that will increase security and lower unemployment at the same time. How does it work? Simple: Who is always around when you don't need them? Who is always waiting for you outside the ATM? Who isn't afraid to keep a vigil all night long on a frozen city street? -THE HOMELESS, that's who! Support Whatever Providence's "Homeless Armament" program to help keep the peace. Once we get a weapon in each homeless person's hand, we won't have to worry about walking down a dark alley at night when we know that a Quick-drawing Hobo will be there to protect us along the way; the Federal Government has no jurisdiction there!
Next time a Bum asks you for a dime, give him a weapon and take a bite out of crime.

The Co-dependent Male

2007-12-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

Whatever Providence is pushing to have the state statue changed from the Independent Man to the Co-dependent Male. This new statue will be placed atop the state house in early 2008. We are now taking submissions for the design of this new statue.

Feedback Based State

2007-12-10T21:27:00.000-08:00

Rhode island is always ahead of the times. It was the first state to elect an openly Italian mayor, the first state to import the Yugo automobile, and the first state to outlaw Betamax. Now Whatever Providence is pledging to keep Rhode Island at the forefront by introducing a feedback based payment system for state employees. Now all state employees will have an Ebay style webpage on the whateverprovidence.com website. Salaries will be abolished in favor of the new system, which promises to turn Rhode Island into a meritocracy.
All transactions between you and the state will now be recorded on the state mainframe computer. An email will be sent to you at the conclusion of each transaction asking you to rate your transaction and the state employee that served you.
After an initial trial period, the future of all state employees will be based on their feedback ratings. Promotions, pay raises, and vacation time will be determined by their performance according to the people they serve. The feedback based economy will revolutionize the efficiency of the state!

Manure Connoisseur

2007-12-04T19:40:00.000-08:00

There I was, in the middle of Washington Street last week when I felt something squishy underfoot. I froze in my tracks, took off my shoe and, while standing on one foot I gave the underside of my converse a whiff. I closed my eyes and thought to myself, “Hmmm, it’s been a long time, but if I’m not mistaken that’s a five year old female Clyde/Hackney cross, about 15 hands tall. She isn’t in a good mood, even though she had…” I took a bigger sniff, “fresh hay, and apples for lunch… I think she may be carrying more than just an officer.” I then proceeded to wipe the sneaker on the edge of a nearby garbage can and placed it back on my foot. Then I continued on towards the East Side, being careful of where I stepped.

Halfway across Kennedy plaza I had an interesting run in with the law. One of the mounted officer’s horses released a treat from beneath his seat. I was looking for a particular track on my MP3 sounds when my foot happened to founder in an equine quarter pounder. I couldn’t believe my luck, twice in one day! Once again I removed the shoe and let my nose meander through the odorous bonanza emanating from my sole. This time I amazed even myself as I listed off the horse’s attributes in order of importance: “Gelding, black Percheron, 16 ½ hands, named Bruno… today he has badge number 14 aboard.” Unfortunately no one else was interested in appraising the pungent fragrance… but it wasn’t always like this. I was once considered gifted.

Where did I get this gift? How am I able to elicit this much from shit? Well in our fine capital, unlike any other in the country, the mounted police do not take precautions while flaunting their horses, thus giving any pedestrian the unrivaled opportunity to encounter and get acquainted with all manner of manure on frequent occasions. I was not one to pass on such a chance.

Several years back I began consulting some specialized guides in excrement identification, such as Fecal Focus, Defecation Monthly, and The Cow Pie Times. I started to notice the subtle nuances and uniqueness of each piece. I could identify Clydesdale crap at a mile, Mustang merd with my eyes closed; anything bequeathed by a steed on the street was identifiable by me, even in a breeze. Dark, light, or streaked with shades of hay; the great variations in texture led me to question the source ever more.

I got so good at naming anal noodles that I landed a job at Turd Magazine as a freelancer. After a few months I was awarded with a Poolitzer for my Treatise on the proper proportion and curvature of poopy boot prints. Soon thereafter I was invited to do blindfolded barefoot “tastings” for a fee. During a tasting I was allowed only a moment to squeeze the loaf between my toes. After answering all possible questions on the provenance and pedigree of the dung I went on to win the world championship. This inevitably launched my book career with the publication of my first novel, You Don’t Know Shit, and several television appearances.

Then my bubble burst. The Providence Police began putting little nylon “catchers” behind their horses’ tails. All of a sudden no one was interested in seeing my nasal feats performed, not even for free! So now I’m just a has-been, a washed-out snout. But I still savor those dumps that fall out of their pouches.

Why Whatever Providence?

2007-11-26T09:33:00.000-08:00

Because one in ten Providencians don't shiv a git.

Vote for BUDDALINI!!!

2007-11-14T18:50:00.000-08:00

Whatever Providence announces its candidate for Mayor of Feinstein (formerly Providence, RI): Buddalini. The founders of Whatever Providence have decided that Buddalini is the best candidate for the city of Feinstein, Rhode Island. Despite his openly Italian past, he has proven to be a leader in the community and an excellent statesman. Please spread the word and remember to vote for BUDDALINI!!!

Next Exit: Feinstein, Rhode Island

2007-11-14T16:02:00.000-08:00

Whatever Providence announces plans to rename the city of Providence as "Feinstein." The newly formed political party has also announced plans to lobby for the entire state's name to be changed to "The State of Rhode Island and Feinstein Plantations." The party hopes to continue its pledge to the city by having all Wikipedia entries regarding the city of Providence to henceforth read: Feinstein, Rhode Island; population one.

Rhode Island National Guard to Invade Pangaea

2007-10-29T00:52:00.000-07:00

Whatever Providence listens to Rhode Islanders! Requests have been pouring in from voters all over the state telling Whatever Providence what they would like to change about The State of Rhode Island and Feinstein Plantations. The request heard most often is "More Space, Por Favor!" After much debate, we have solved our constituents' dilemma.
Our first attempt at land expansion failed when RI democrats botched our invasion of Seekonk by cutting funding midway through training exercises. Not to be so easily deterred, Whatever Providence representatives in the RI general assembly immediately began drafting a resolution geared towards conquering Pangaea.
Despite numerous warnings from the UN, Whatever Providence legislators have now approved the general assembly's proposal to invade Pangaea, but we need your help to get it through the senate! Whatever Providence is urging all Rhode Islanders who are tired of being from the smallest state in America to write their senators and tell them to pass resolution P190 to invade and occupy Pangaea for the good of all Rhode Islanders for generations to come!